I’ve never been the best when it comes to blogging, but it’s definitely gotten worse these last few months. It’s amazing how one can underestimate the time lost once you have kids. Oh sure, I’ve read blogs and stories from moms talking about how it’s so hard to juggle working and kids, or kids and hobbies, or kids and having a social life. I always read those and thought “Not me. I am older/wiser/more organized/less uptight/smarter.”
I would love to go back and laugh in the face of my pre-baby self. HA. HAHAHA.
It seems no matter how many times people tell you, one never really graps how hard this really is. And when you are a working mom, there is so much additional guilt that comes along with it. I feel guilty for not spending all day every day with my son. I feel guilty for sometimes wanting to go out with my girlfriends and not take my son. I feel guilty for wanting J to take Connor elsewhere for a few hours, so I can enjoy a quiet house. And then I feel guilty for even admitting any of this. I work 40+ hours a week. I take at least one evening class a week. I used to go to a weekly knit night, but have had to skip because it’s during bedtime. My other weekly knit night is also during bedtime, but since it’s on the weekend I don’t feel as guilty, since I just spent all day with him. This doesn’t even include errands that may need to be run that week.
And hobbies? HA. By the time he goes to bed, I’m so exhausted I usually head up shortly after him.
I’m not writing this because I want people to pity me, or because I’m looking for validation. I just want to say “It’s hard. It’s really, really hard, even if you don’t work outside the home. You will feel like you’ve lost all sense of your identity outside of ‘mom.’ You may feel like you’re doing so many things, and not giving 100%to any of them.”
That’s completely normal. Which sucks. It sucks that this feeling of being overwhelmed, of never giving enough, of feeling guilty for wanting some time for yourself (and work does not count, no matter what anyone may say.) is considered normal. I wish I had some magic way to overcome it, but I think that no matter what, it’s always a lingering feeling.
So I’m going to work on myself. I’m not going to focus on how I feel like I don’t give him enough time, and instead focus on making the time with him quality time. I may not be home for every bedtime, every bath, but I’ll make sure when I am with him I make the most of it. Even if I’m only home for the temper tantrums and meltdowns for a while.
And after that very serious post, I’ll post something about my knitting later this week.